Webster clutches his cheek in pain.
ME: What, buddy?
WEBSTER: My teeth bit me!
ME: Aw, did you bite your cheek? I’m sorry. Can I make it better?
Webster gets a steely look in his eye.
WEBSTER: I want you to yell at my teeth.
ME: … Okay. (in a very serious voice) Teeth. Don’t bite Webster. Do you hear me, teeth?
WEBSTER: Or they will get a time out.
Because Webster is very into dinosaurs, we watch the music video of Weird Al Yankovic’s “Jurassic Park”… and I realize there is a part where a dinosaur bites Barney’s head off.
ME: Oh, buddy… hey listen, Barney is okay.
Webster turns to me slowly, grinning ear to ear.
WEBSTER: Oh. I’m not crying on that.
WEBSTER: You are killing me!
WEBSTER: You are driving me up!!
MOM: I’m driving you up what?
WEBSTER: (as if it were obvious) You’re driving me up the hill!!
Violet comes into my bedroom. Everybody in the house is sleeping.
VIOLET: Hey Daddy!!
ME: Oh… Hey honey. Sssh though, your brother is sleeping. He had a really rough night last night, and we absolutely CAN’T wake him up, so please be quiet-
VIOLET: Okay, but real quick, I have something important to tell you.
ME: Okay, what is it.
VIOLET: These are the characters in Mulan. Mulan is Mulan, her boyfriend is Chang…
ME: Violet. Stop it.
VIOLET: Do you want to hear one more?
VIOLET: Okay, the bad guy is Shan Yu.
WEBSTER: I’m awake!
WEBSTER: I want to watch a video.
ME: No, it’s bedtime.
WEBSTER: No it’s uptime.
ME: No, it’s really not.
WEBSTER: Maybe we can watch the stay up video.
ME: That’s not a video.
WEBSTER: IT IS!
ME: How does it go?
WEBSTER: It goes STAY UP.