VIOLET: Stop screaming at me!

WEBSTER: I’m not screaming, I’m whining. 

"If you work very hard, then you will be tired. But if you are slow, maybe you will not be tired."
— Webster, 3, and eyeing a career in middle management
"Sorry, I farted. I farted because of strength."
— Violet, 6 years old

Webster and I watch Star Wars. He points to Obi Wan Kenobi, concerned. 

WEBSTER: Who is that?

ME: That’s Obi Wan Kenobi. 

WEBSTER: Is that Obi Wan Kenobi?

ME: Yes it is. 

WEBSTER: That’s who that is?

ME: Yes, that’s Obi Wan Kenobi. 

WEBSTER: And does he have a beard?

ME: Yes he does. 

WEBSTER: And what does he use it for?

"I will poop on your painless head."
— Webster, 3, to his mother

WEBSTER: (singing) What does the boob say?

VIOLET: (singing) I’m gonna give milk to the boy. I’m gonna give milk to the girl. 

"Octopus Crime"
— What my 3-year-old son thinks the leader of the Autobots is named. 

This is apparently how my son sees himself. 

"I am of the butt system."
— Webster, 3

VIOLET: Hey Daddy. I just thought of nothing. 

ME: Oh… how is that, exactly?

VIOLET: It’s kind of like a squiggle that I focus on. In my brain. 

ME: Oh. 

VIOLET: It’s like a Netflix swirl. Like my brain is loading.