Both children writhe around on the couch in their underwear making animal sounds. 

WEBSTER: Pretend you’re a sleeping cat and I’m a cow waking you up.

Violet pretends to be asleep. Webster crawls on top of her and screams in her ear. 

WEBSTER (yelling): HI I’M A SLEEPING COW.

Webster begins to dry-hump Violet’s head. She pushes him off. 

VIOLET: Stop it. Cows don’t-

WEBSTER: Now pretend I’m a wolf and you’re a cat and you wake me up. 

VIOLETA wolf is not an animal. 

"sounds like a great movie."

WEBSTER: Tell me a story.

ME: Okay. Once there was a little boy, and-

WEBSTER: No. Once there was Eagle Vikings.

ME: … Okay. And what are Eagle Vikings? Are they Vikings who ride on eagles?

WEBSTER: No. They are tigers who ride on motorcycles. Tell it.


We are walking in the park. Webster sees a Collie and runs toward it, excited. He runs right up in front of it, stares it in the eye seriously, then runs back to me. 

ME: Everything okay, buddy?

WEBSTER: Yes! It is a wolf!

ME: Oh. Well… it’s a Collie I think, but-

WEBSTER: It is a HIGH LEVEL WOLF.

ME: What do you want to be when you grow up, buddy?

WEBSTER: Batman. 

ME: Okay. Anything else?

WEBSTER: Rainbow Batman. 

VIOLET: Hey what message did the Mower leave on the machine?

MOM: What?

VIOLET: The Mower. What did he want?

MOM: The… Mower?

VIOLET: Yes, he called and left a message on the machine. 

MOM: Oh… Do you mean the Mayor?

VIOLET: Yes, I always get those two confused. 

"If someone sings only a little bit of “Frozen”, then I will marry them. If they sing a lot of “Frozen”, then I will not marry them."
— Webster, 3

WEBSTER: Let’s play.

VIOLET: Okay.

WEBSTER: Okay, I’m a potato. 

VIOLET: I’m an opera singer. 

WEBSTER: Yeah, great. Now take me to the potato factory.

I am bathing my three-year-old when he suddenly starts to try to poke his finger into his urethra (no easier way to say it).

ME: OH. Hey buddy, that’s- that’s very, very much not the thing you want to do.

WEBSTER: Oh.

ME: Yeah, you don’t ever want to try to stick anything in there. 

My 6-year-old daughter enters, curious. 

VIOLET: What are you doing?

ME: Oh, just giving your brother, um… penis lessons. 

VIOLET: Those sound terrible. 

"eBay."

~what Webster (3) thinks this guy is named. 

  1. Camera: iPhone 4
  2. Aperture: f/2.8
  3. Exposure: 1/335th
  4. Focal Length: 3mm

VIOLET: Stop screaming at me!

WEBSTER: I’m not screaming, I’m whining.